Dear Happy: You'll have to pardon me if I seem somewhat out of sorts today, but I am fairly vibrating with rage over the one-two punch of the intolerable travesties visited upon me in the brief span of less than 24 hours. I refer, of course, to last night's stunner (and not in a good way) Idol finale and this morning's"speech" by - and that vein in my forehead is throbbing as I type this - Dick Cheney.
Ok, first things first: Seriously, America?? You chose Kris "Sanitizied For Your Protection" Allen over Adam "You Will Bow To My Charisma" Lambert?? WTF? I had dared to believe we were over the era of rewarding mediocrity at the ballot box, that we had begun to mature as a nation, but apparently after the country finally collectively bestirred itself to haul ass to the polls in November and make a long overdue Sane Choice, we're back to electing the lame candidate we might like to have a beer with. My prediction: Allen will land in the dustbin of Idol history within six months ('member Taylor Hicks? Reuben Studdard? Christ, Fantasia for the that matter?) and Adam will set out on a vibrant, lucrative career. He's already a star, baby (insert jazz hands here), whereas the other guy is another cookie-cutter, vaguely pretty face with a personality as exciting as store brand vanilla extract.
I know what you're thinking, Happy "Mmmmm....vanilla cookies." Pay attention!!
What was that second thing I was irate about? Oh yeah, another nausea-inducing whistle-stop on our former Torturer-In-Chief's interminable Cover My Ass Summer Tour. Why are the cable channels giving this monster air time as he continues to attempt to undermine the President of the United States, who is working overtime trying to make some headway in cleaning up the catastrophic mess that worthless blob of rancid flesh Cheney was key in creating? They're ginning this up like it's some kind of mano-a-mano smackdown.
Happy, I tell you: I can't take much more. Can't you make it stop?